“And When He Woke Up…He Realised That The Trailers Had Spoiled The Best Bits!”

Over the last few weeks in my film reviews, I have mentioned several times that I don’t like trailers and don’t trust them. This being a slow blogging day, I figured now would be a good time to explain why.

Every time I watch a trailer, I basically have the same thought: is this supposed to strike me as good? Because this sounds like exactly the kind of thing that gets quoted or ‘OMG’ed about to no end. And that annoys me. It annoys me that due to the very viral nature of the internet and television, every trailer must get overexposed and drained of any impact it may have had, so when the trailer scenes come up in the film I can barely watch them.

The main culprits are, in my humble opinion, the Die Hard 4.0 trailer and the Indiana Jones 4 trailer.

“You killed a helicopter with a car!” “I was out of bullets…”

“Damn, I thought that was closer.”

How many of us have heard those lines without actually seeing the films in question? Due to the trailers, they get everywhere, and it starts to grate.

Apart from the problem that I’ve already described, trailers have another problem. They showcase the best parts of the movie. I like any action, comedy or horror I see to be as unspoiled as possible, so trailers pretty much spoil them for me. I think I can safely say that the above lines would’ve had much more impact unspoiled.

Obviously, not all trailers are bad (but I still don’t watch them), but the weird thing is that none come to mind.

All this, of course, is a matter of opinion. So I am intrigued to know yours. Comment and let me know what you think.

The Doctor Has Obviously Never Seen Back To The Future II…

The usual warning applies here:  this review contains spoilers of last night’s episode.

I sat down to watch this special last night with a certain degree of anticipation because I have been craving new Who since the Easter special ‘The Planet of the Dead’. As a Who story, it works. The characters and the emotions they exhibit are believable, while the acting is good all round. It gives the typical drama, nice continuity references, epic music and soulful walk away from destruction that you expect from this long-running programme.

As one of my friends pointed out rather hilariously in his blog, The Doctor is fighting water in this episode. On paper, this sounds like the sort of idea that would’ve come from the stories of old Who, where the cast could’ve been ‘menaced’ of a spray of water coming from a garden hose. Because of this, the alien menace is shown entirely with broken-skin make-up, hoses and contact lenses. The only CGI was the space shuttle. So yes, the effects sound like they are out of old Who.

David Tennant is very convincing here as the Time Lord who is trying to flip the laws of time on their head and (sort of) succeeds. The other cast members are also convincing as the doomed colonists, although somewhat less convincing as the embodiment of some sort of water infection. All they have to do is open their mouths and a hose of water starts gushing out.

But in some ways, the special disappointed me. About five minutes in, they had a series of cuts where The Doctor meets a character and remembers (from the Wikipedia of 2059) that they died on the exact date that he arrived. We could’ve gathered from three characters that they were due to die on this day, but no; they had to show us this cut for every single character. Consider that this happens about eight times (maybe more – for obvious reasons I wasn’t counting), and you’ll get some idea of why my brother and I were practically screaming: “Get on with it already!”

Now for my least favourite part of the episode: The Doctor himself. I can appreciate how his heart got broken by the screaming of the dying and the thought that he has a time machine and could therefore save them. All this leads to a plot twist any savvy watcher of sci-fi will be able to guess from the beginning: that he does in fact break the laws of time. I’m not saying that saving the few colonists he could was a bad idea, but why not just let history think that they’re dead while they survive in obscurity somewhere? The Doctor is fast turning into a unlikeable character if this newfound arrogance with the laws of time keeps up. I normally like him, but I think he’s finally snapped and has gone absolutely mad with power. Presumably this is the point of the upcoming specials, and a form of character development for the Doctor. Although it was a pretty nice touch that as he leaned sadly against the Tardis console, the Cloister bell started ringing in the background ominously.

Overall, I liked this special. It wasn’t the best episode, but it was far from being the worst, and I can’t wait to see how the next ones turn out. But with the expectations of me and fellow Who fans, will it be epic enough for our tastes?

“I Cannae Do It Cap’n, I Cannae Give This Good Movie A Bad Review”…

So, it’s that time of decade again. The new Star Trek picture is coming out on dvd tomorrow. Those of you who know me well will know that ever since encountering the original Star Trek series on dvd, I absolutely love it. I know I’m a bit late to the Star Trek party (43 years late) but really, that’s part of the appeal. To see how this programme was so far ahead of its time in its day (sexism of the last episode aside) was amazing, and the programme had some good ideas behind it.

I must warn you, that as with most of my reviews, this one has spoilers,so those of you who haven’t seen the movie might want to skip this until after they have.

This movie takes place in the past of the Trekverse, but an alternative past. Spock Classic attempts to stop a star from going supernova with Red Matter (seriously), but it doesn’t work, and he goes back in time, along with the main villain of the film. The problem with that is, the villain gets there first. Now, as you might imagine, this causes some problems.

One of the main gripes (and I don’t have many) that I have with this film is that it completely changes the course of established Star Trek history. The writers have given us some crap about it being an alternate timeline or continuity, but it doesn’t hold up when you think about it. Going back in time and dicking around changes the timeline unless you alter your original time changing. I thought they covered this in Back To The Future 2? And while we’re on the subject, it is damn depressing to think that not only can Spock Classic not get back to the year he was in, unless he lives his way back and pretty much dies in the process, but that he can never get back to his original timeline, due to all the time dickery.

Another gripe I have is that there was no purpose to the scene where you see Kid Kirk almost drive a car off a cliff, except to introduce him as reckless. They could have cut that scene out of the film and it would make no difference whatsoever. That’s when you know you have a superfluous scene.

Now for the rest of the film. I found it an exciting journey through the galaxy that doesn’t require you to know too much about the Star Trek universe to draw you in and engage you. The new cast work well with their roles, which is hard since they have some big shoes to fill, and I enjoyed seeing Zachary Quinto recreate Nimoy’s Spock for the new age. The only one I didn’t like was Chekov, where the directors or writers didn’t seem to know what his character does, they even had him operating the transporters at one point! The villain becomes a lot harder to hate when you know that he is essentially suffering from misdirected anger.

The music was well used in this movie (apart from the use of Sabotage, by the Beastie Boys), I particularly liked the way that the original theme of Star Trek plays over the ending credits, although I prefer the Jerry Goldsmith theme from The Next Generation. That will always be what true Trek music is like for me.

I enjoyed this movie, both as a devoted Trekkie and as a watcher of movies. There was a lot of action, exciting stunts, and some good acting on the part of the main cast. They had some good writing, dialogue and I thought they captured the spirit of the original very well, which is what they were trying to do, after all. I’m going to do what many reviews have done before, and say that this is well worth seeing, for both long-time Trekkies and newbies to the franchise. Even if you haven’t seen anything Trek before, chances are you’ll like this. Check it out.

Childhood Question…

This has been bugging me since I was seven, but with other events happening over the past decade and a bit, this faded to the back of my mind. However, the Nostalgia Critic review of Space Jam brought it all back. So, I have just one question.

WHY THE FUCK WAS BILL MURRAY IN SPACE JAM?!

There we go, that bout of shouting is over. But on a more serious note, I cannot think of any legitimate reason for his presence in this movie. If Space Jam was a sitcom (that would be some weird sitcom), his appearance would be the equivalent of a guest star walking on and waiting ten minutes for the applause to die down. It’s an extended walk-on cameo, that’s what it is. I have no love for the campy sitcom style walk-on at the best of times in the best of programmes, but this was absolutely pointless. Michael Jordan even unintentionally comments on this with his facial expression; rolling his eyes at him and stuff. That’s supposed to be because Murray is commandeering the plan, but we know better. They did not need him for this, he came in for two reasons. The first reason, to give the viewer new hope after the dramatic knocking-out of one of the regular Toons (or something like that), that they might save the day after all. The second reason was purely because he was friends with the producer of the film. It wouldn’t be so bad, but this isn’t even acknowledged within the film, it just gives you some crap about how Bill Murray is ‘following his dream’ by playing in this game. I’m pretty sure Bill Murray never dreamed that one day he would be doing a walk-on for an animated/live action movie, in which he helps to defeat some animated space monsters in a basketball game. Now, I don’t know about you, but in my opinion, as hopes and dreams go that is oddly specific.

I mentioned earlier how it wasn’t even acknowledged within the film that Bill Murray is suddenly there to take up the mantle and defeat space aliens. I would have loved for the characters to comment on this within the movie; I imagine this exchange occurring:

Michael Jordan: “Hey, what are you doing here? Aren’t you an actor?”

Bill Murray: “If you can play baseball, I can play basketball.”

Porky Pig: “That’s all we’re saying about that, folks.”

One thing (just one?) that I don’t like about this is that he seems to show up at exactly the right moment (he even sings out his entrance) to help in the big game. Maybe Bill Murray spends his spare time buried in a chamber inside a mountain, waiting for the next threat to planet Earth so he can save the day again! Oh wait, he spends his spare time in his house dressed and acting like a zombie, before getting shot. I disapproved of his cameo in Zombieland as well, while we’re discussing this. The common element with Bill Murray cameos is that they only have him because they can get him. It clearly doesn’t matter if they need him for the movie.

And another thing, if he was friends with the producer of this film, then what the hell does he need an agent for? His agent must’ve sat down, watched this and said “Well, there goes my 10%.” It really goes to prove the old celebrity adage, it’s not what you know, it’s who you know.

Yeah, Everyone Wants To Be 17 Again. With The Acne And The Hormones, Etc…

Until a while ago, I refused to watch this movie based solely on how bad it looks in the trailer (another reason I don’t trust trailers). Basically, if you watch the trailer it looks like a typical Disney comedy pandering to the fans of ‘The Efron’ with lots of shirtless shots and perfect hair. So, as you can imagine, I was sceptical about seeing it. However, in practice, it is better than it looks. Matthew Perry’s relatively limited role in the film comes across as pretty much ‘his life since F.R.I.E.N.D.S died’ with lots of apparent bitterness showing through. However, it is hard to tell if this is him or the character, since it is the driving force behind the plot.

The plot itself seems to bear a resemblance to the events of It’s A Wonderful Life (what little I’ve heard about it), crossed with buddy comedies and Back To The Future. The Back To The Future movies are damn good, as a trilogy they’re up there with the greats, so to see references to them in this relatively good movie was pleasant, rather than grating as it would be in a crap movie (I half expected to hear the line “You’re safe and sound now, back here in 1955”). Normally I would be more dismissive of a movie like this, but it surprised me. It kept me interested and wanting to see what happens, even though it was so obvious that it was practically a foregone conclusion. I’m sure most dudes with wives would be thinking “damn, it should’ve been the other way around” about the husband-wife relationship in the film. But let’s face it, if it was done that way, it would’ve seemed a lot more creepier than it already is, due to the teenage girl/40 year old dude dynamic it would’ve had (although they could’ve kept Matthew Perry on as the husband). Plus it couldn’t serve as a vehicle for ‘The Efron’ if they went down that road.

Maybe I’m not the best person to write this review, because I am already quite prejudiced against Efron and similar people from the High School Musical franchise. It can’t help that my girlfriend was watching it with me and drooling over Zac Efron’s hot body, gleaming pecs, his washboard abs and the way the sun shines off his — no. Not going to go down that road again. There is no way that I could write that sentence in detail and not sound gay, so I’ll just leave it as it is. *

This movie is quite enjoyable if you’re a casual nerd (like me), because some of the film is centred around Ef and his best friend Ned, who is an extreme nerd. A rich nerd, but still a nerd. Due to this, the film contains nerd moments that make some of the literally laughable humour, like Ned trying to chat up Efron’s headmistress while dressed like some sort of pimp, the little lightsabre fight about 15 minutes in, or the fact that Ned and said Headmistress build a relationship based on the fact that they both speak Elvish.

It is nice to see Efron’s interaction with his kids and to see how he helps them with their own lives, while all the while working to bring the family unit back together, although it does seem like typical cheesy family fare. Again, this is much like Back To The Future, especially when his own daughter comes on to him, but that’s a good thing considering that it’s not a horrible excuse for a movie as I feared it would be.

All in all, this movie isn’t that bad. I suspect that opinion will shock many of you that know me, but there it is. The fact that Matthew Perry’s bitter persona is supposed to be the aged version of Pretty Boy Efron isn’t quite convincing, but during the movie you just don’t care, and it is funny to see a thirty something lady hit on her ‘Efron-ified’ husband, especially when I thought that the movie would try to say that she didn’t notice (of course she would, she knew him when he was that age). If you have a spare ninety minutes or so, you could do worse than checking out this movie. (Much worse – think Highlander 2, or Indiana Jones and the Temple Of Doom)

 

*My, what a sweet ass…

It’s The Final Countdown (Epic Keyboard Bit That Everyone Knows)…

While I like to think I am a reasonably down to earth person, I do have wants and desires to do with celebrities. So, with that in mind, I have written a list of the five people I would want to meet, living or dead. Most of them are authors, but that’s the kind of person I look up to. In the tradition of top fives, I will be working my way from five to one.

Number five is the writer of my favourite song of all time (Texas Flood, I’m listening to it as I write this), Stevie Ray Vaughan. I would have loved the opportunity to have sat down and talked with this man about the fantastic blues he played, or the chance to see one of his live shows before his tragic death (mere months before I was born). In an unusual way to die for a blues rocker, he did not die from an overdose of any kind, but in a helicopter crash. Now, I’m sorry, but that is damn cool. And it’s certainly easier to explain to kids than to have to bring up the thorny issue of drugs and safe use of them.

Number four is Douglas Adams. I have read most of his books, and they were part of what inspired me to be an aspiring writer. His Hitchhiker’s books in particular are wonderful, random and really well written, and I think everyone should read at least one in their lifetime (preferably, read all of them). I would have loved to have met him before he died in 2001. It’s a damn shame he’s dead, but people come and go (generally they don’t come back), and my favourite people are no exception.

Taking the middle ground between most wanted and least wanted (but still acceptable) is Matt Groening, the creator of that world-famous family. No, it’s not The Family From Roseanne (I forget their surname), but it’s The Simpsons! The stories that he could tell you about the process, and where some of his ideas come from, would be great to hear in person (although they are mostly available on dvd commentaries and such). I’ve loved The Simpsons since I was a sprogling, and I would like to meet this man before his inevitable sad departure from this mortal coil (I may die first, but considering his age head-start on me, that’s not too likely).

Number two is Robert Rankin, the one I have the most chance of meeting as he is quite an involved person with his  fanbase, holding get-togethers in pubs, parties for his fans, and suchlike. I should really attend one of those at some point. I have gone into detail about why I love Mr Rankin and his books, so I won’t retread that same ground here. Suffice it to say I take a lot of writing cues from him and his style of humour.

The big numero uno is the renowned author, comedian, polymath and presenter of QI known as Stephen Fry. He seems like a fantastic man to meet in person, with a constant repository of jokes, wit and knowledge to draw on to keep you entertained throughout your time with him. This man has been a personal idol of mine for many years, he and Jeremy Clarkson are the people I aspire to be in life (Clarkson is mainly due to writing his opinion columns though; if we got talking about cars we’d run out of conversation within minutes). Stephen Fry has all the appearance of being the kind-faced embodiment of old-style class without being an absolute tosser, something which I think we have too little of nowadays. We do have conflicting principles in some areas (he smokes and drinks, while I never touch either), but I feel we would get on with each other well enough. Sums up my relationship with most of my friends, really.

That seems like a fitting place to end. Any suggestions or comments would be greatly appreciated.

“Peek-a-boo! I see you… (shit, where’s he gone?)”

There are three Heroes-style abilities that I would love to possess in real life. They are self-propelled flight, time travel, and the ability to teleport myself at will (by which I mean just by thinking about it) to any other location. It doesn’t even have to be instantaneous, but it would save me a lot of money, resources, etc.  Like I mentioned in my previous post, it would make seeing loved ones much easier, it would make sure you turn up to work or school on time (or it would allow you to skip school or work if you so desired). Plus, the amount of times I have wished I could be somewhere else is surely a factor in this desire.

As someone who is quite easily bored unless I have a book in my hand, the appeal to be somewhere else would be one I’d act on quite often, I suspect. And I would also use it to be a superhero, naturally. Mind you, with the power of teleportation, the allure of crime would be somewhat stronger. After all, what’s to stop you stealing everything you can get your hands on if you can’t be stopped from sprinting out of the store then disappearing once you’re around the corner? Plus, if you can refine it enough so only the objects teleport and you don’t, they’d find it very hard to prove you were stealing anything (unless they used very accurate CCTV), as the objects wouldn’t be on your person. Even if they did take you in, you could just disappear from custody. They could respond to this by putting out an APB, but again we come to the easy solution. There would be literally no cage built that could hold you. And that kind of power is not to be laughed at.

I imagine that all this crime-committing would soon lead to super villainy, but under the circumstances it’s hardly surprising. That is, of course, assuming you can teleport at will anywhere you want. If you can’t, it’s not really worth bothering with. You would do well to find out your limits before embarking on a life of super-powered crime though, as you don’t want to be defeated by some Superman-alike who finds your Achilles-heel. You also don’t want to teleport your enemies into a volcano only to find that the heat does something to stop you from teleporting out.

If you were a single person with the power of teleportation, then there’s not much they can do to stop you teleporting wherever you want. However, if the teleporting was done through devices, much like Star Trek or some episodes of Doctor Who, I imagine there would be safeguards and regulations that meant you couldn’t just drop in uninvited, maybe dropping you outside their house instead or putting something like ‘You have reached your destination.’ This is because even in the future, computer devices can be obstructive. And this would be a good idea, because people (especially celebrities, as they’d surely be the ones most targeted for unexpected teleport stalking) still need their privacy, even in the future.

I realise it probably says something about me that the bit I wrote most about was the way this power could be turned to crime, but look me in the eyes and tell me that you wouldn’t abuse this power in some way, even in the pursuit of good? Didn’t think so.

Because iCan…

Now, I don’t plan to be alive in fifty years time (I’m not suicidal, just not counting on it) but if I do manage to survive a half century, I can guarantee (not a guarantee) life will be much better then than it is now. Hopefully during that time, we will have made advancements in space exploration and travel, helping the current financial crisis and healing the sick people of the world.

As you probably know, a few bankers juggled more tiny bits of information than they could keep up and now the world is now in the grip of a global recession. Fifty years down the line, we should either have solved it somehow, or it will no longer matter after we’ve suffered some sort of apocalypse. I’m hoping the first option comes true, to be honest.

I also believe that there will be advances made in the field of space exploration, if not travelling to other worlds. If there aren’t any advances to do with space colonisation, then there will be technological developments for our use, like a cool little robot that does everything you could want. It’d probably be called something like the iCan (name trademarked by me). This iCan could also be some sort of small supercomputer that can make the correct calculations for faster than light travel, which could help with the previously mentioned space travel. There would also be developments in the field of psychology, so that minds could be subtly altered to give criminals good ideas and feelings instead of bad, and it could also be used to keep religion down. I also predict that the first instantaneous teleporter will be invented by someone hoping to spice up their love life. Hopefully these advances would also cause the death of reality television. Who’s with me?

In the absence of Jesus, it must fall to our lowly doctors and nurses to heal the sick of the world. Some of the medical advances over the next five decades would include creating a cure for cancer, the common cold, and stopping stupid people from being able to breed. Plus Jesus could be potentially resurrected so he can tell his followers to ‘get a life’, like the William Shatner sketch on Saturday Night Live.

In conclusion, I think that life will be better in fifty years, but three things have to happen: we have to invent space travel, we have to solve the current financial crisis and we should stop stupid people from having sex. Oh, and someone should get on with inventing that iCan (Tm) robot. He sounds awesome.

Walking On The Moon…(shamone) [preview]

I’m going to say from the start that I haven’t actually seen Moonwalker, Michael Jackson’s movie. Nor do I intend to. I decided to talk about it based on what I’ve seen in the Nostalgia Critic review (Google it and watch, it’s funny). So I guess it’s more like a preview than a review (hence the title).

See, the thing about this movie is that parts of it don’t really seem to make sense on any sort of level really. And I thought, with the release of his new movie, This Is It, that now would be a good time to cash in on the popularity of the film and write this blog. While ‘This Is It’ appears to be a concert film (I haven’t seen it, probably won’t, and Wikipedia would probably not be accepted as a useful source in this case), this appears to be a mish-mash of things that have already been used to further the Former King Of Pop’s career, things that should’ve been left on the cutting room floor and things that the animation studios are showing off with. Not that they have much to show off about; by today’s standards, the animations are quite bad. I’m not saying I could produce better, I’m saying that claymation may not have been the best medium to use for this film, as (with the possible exception of Wallace & Gromit) claymation generally looks poor. Especially 1980’s claymation.

Before I do any more mocking of this film, I would just like to say that I do respect him. He could sing damn well, he could dance and at this point I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out he was faking his death to raise publicity for his new film. Or he planned to re-enact Thriller. Whichever works for him.

And yes, I know the man died, but that is really no reason to glorify this film, in which MJ transforms into a car, a drug dealer with a huge laser tries to kill children and blow up the world (or something) and Michael escapes from a crowd of claymation fans (because he has no real fans? I’m sort of confused about that) who won’t stop chasing him by turning into some sort of rabbit dancer guy*. Yeah… like that won’t scare children.

Fair play to the man though, he did some good music videos in his time. Smooth Criminal was cool, and I’m sure most of us wish we could dance like that. The weird lean thing that they do in the video is nothing short of damn impressive. I mean, it’d be a pretty useless talent to have in everyday life, but I’m sure it’d help you get ahead in the dancing world. If that’s not computer effects or whatever, I’d love to know how they did it.

I mean, I know watching a review doesn’t count as seeing the whole thing and I’m sure it’s much better viewed properly, etc. But frankly, this movie is about 90 minutes long, and I did not want to pay for the dvd (I do not have £7.99 to fritter away on flights of moonwalkin’ fancy) or potentially waste my time watching it. I mean, I’m not going to discourage you from seeing a movie I haven’t seen myself. But if the aforementioned review is anything to go by, then maybe I should be.

*This reminds me of the giant rabbit from Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey. It’s a great film, go and watch that instead.

There’s Something Strange In The Neighbourhood. Who You Gonna Call? Robert Rankin!!

One of my favourite authors is a writer of Far-Fetched Fiction, Mr. Robert Rankin. I was fortunate enough to find one of his books on clearance today, so naturally I picked it up. How could I resist?

The thing I love about his books is the way they combine witty humour with life experience, so you get the feeling that the author knows what he’s talking about. His books are dramatic, really well written, and above all, damn funny. Now, I am a fan of humourous books, but I think his books should appeal to everyone. He creates superb, likable characters with real mannerisms.

He creates an idyllic atmosphere in his native Brentford, a place I have seen on Tube maps and have wanted to visit because of these books. I know that the events and characters in these books aren’t real, but I think that at some stage, we have all wanted to go to locations in books or movies that we would like to see what they’re like in real life, whether it be Hogwarts (Scotland) or New York or Vasquez Rocks (this one is a personal preference on my part, being that it was a location for a good Star Trek episode).

The typical way that his books work is that he uses a constant level of humour all through the book, with the main plot coming in around the sixth or seventh chapter. And the chapters are short, so you can blitz through them if you want to. Although they are so well-written, you should take your time as you go through them, just to soak up the brilliantness of his writing.

His books are (mostly) set in Brentford, with a varying cast of main characters, such as the genius known as Hugo Artemis Reginald Solon Saturnicus Arthur Rune (the names may be slightly out of order but all are present and correct, and considering I memorised those, that wouldn’t be that bad), or Jim Pooley and John Omally (Jim being the essentially lovable oaf, and John being the undomesticated bachelor that I think at heart most men would love to be). Inevitably, there is always an ancient cosmic horror (think Cthulhu, but not), some threat to the world/universe or aliens running riot in this quiet London town that the main characters have to deal with.

And they deal with it in Rankin’s famously humourously written manner, based on funny running gags, delightfully un-PC characters, rib-tickling dialogue and fantasticly absurd situations. All this is treated in a typically down-to-earth way by the regular characters, who are after all ordinary humans (with one or two exceptions, who are thankfully on the side of good).

Good luck to anyone trying to build a complete collection of his books, by the way. There are 30 published books so far (with a new one coming this December), most stores share the same eight or so books, and on average they cost about £6.99 each. Good luck trying to find all of them via bookstores, as I am (I’m up to about ten so far).

Mr. Rankin deserves to be better known as the fantastic writer that he is, and he certainly deserves the royalties that will come from everybody buying his awesome books. He writes his books on exercise books, which just goes to show that having a fancy computer and Microsoft Word doesn’t make somebody a writer. Seriously, pick one up. And if it’s not one I already have, can I have it?